Empowered!!

Yesterday Kaylee, my beautiful granddaughter, and I went for a little drive. We were out on country roads so I didn’t bother putting a car seat in because we weren’t going over 15-20mph. We were just having Kaylee and Grami time. I put her in the front seat and put the seat belt around her, as always, and wrap the shoulder belt around the headrest.
Today, Star Hall- my cousin, got in my car and adjusted the seat, neither of us seeing the seatbelt (of course I didn’t remember); and it LOCKS!! Totally locks, no undoing it bc in a Lincoln MKZ (unbeknownst to MEN, the headrest Does Not come OFF)! And, they need to just go right on back over to their Chevy or Ford that my car was a specialty car and a top of the line not just a plain Jane of one of those that never said “thank you,” bc YA didn’t take one when YA bought one of them, thank you but please back away from my car, God bless you and have a fabulous weekend! I tried explaining in my best Southern Blonde accent, so they would think I was dumb, that one must undo the entire panel and use a socket wrench to completely disassemble the seatbelt. Then they look at me all sideways and they get to meet Ann, AND I have to tell them that Shaira Hall is my aunt, the best female mechanic alive. And that my last name just so happens to be………….Gee I wonder and two top businesses in Colt just happen to have my name of them, I think I might have this covered. Finally they detached themselves, I think I was the dress. Lmbo!
Of course I get the right size, 14mm btw, and MUST do this myself after having already being out to the salvage yard and finding the right size socket, but no dang wrench bc my guys don’t put crap back where it goes!!!!! But of course finally 35 minutes later a brand new set comes to the rescue that was at the Car Lot!!!
Yes, I am in a dress! Yes, that righty tightly, lefty loosy stuff came in handy. When I was lefty loosing it up I had to use ALLLLLL the weight I have, EVERY OUNCE of it. It even took me out of one of my shoes it was so dang tight!! Ugh, I’m so not cut out for manual labor. Haha! I give major props to all of you that are BUT, put you dang tools back and in the right drawers!

‪#‎ThisTBIWomanIsStillMechanicallyInclined‬
‪#‎EmpoweringWomenEverywhere‬
‪#‎WomenDoNotNeedMen‬
‪#‎WomenWantMenHugeDifferenceLEARNIT‬
‪#‎IONLYNEEDGOD‬
‪#‎BeStill‬
‪#‎ILoveIGotMyAuntsSkills‬
‪#‎WomenRockANDDontYouForgetIt‬
‪#‎ThisLittleLadyIsOnARoll‬
‪#‎ILoveMe‬

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To just be me!

There are times in our lives that we want everything over with. Illnesses, arguments, pain, negativity surrounding us, people that knock us down so low we actually start to believe it, and then people that will not leave us alone. STALKERS, snakes, wolves in sheep’s clothing, alcoholics, and people that we wish we could banish from our lives forever.

I so wish I never had to post this blog or even entertain my haters, but here goes nothing!!

Yes: to those of you that stalk me and contact my family and threaten me there is a name for this; it is called Cyber Bullying! You’ve gained knowledge about me bc of my blog and my Facebook and the fact that I am transparent. For those of you unaware of what transparent means let me be your dictionary today: it means I am basically see through. I have nothing to hide! I am an open book!! To the one that has openly threatened me I will be at my neighbors house this evening showing him all of your messages and filing formal charges. You writing my brother AGAIN today was a mistake!! I will not threaten you because I need not. Vengeance is The Lords and He is my Keeper but BW, and you know who you are, you will get prison time for what you have done to me and my family! Telling me my son was already dead and that my granddaughter was next….. She was laying right next to me and my son sleeps very light w 18 guns in his room with not one but 2 guard dogs I’d love to see anyone get past!

Threatening my brother was a HUGE mistake. An ex MMA fighter that still holds titles he will always hold because he had to retire bc of cancer. That was your own disastrous fit of satan taking over who you are and allowing him to control you. Did you know he holds a record for being in the ring for the shortest amount of time on record: a 4 second knockout? And, you had the gall to threaten him at your own and total demise. I feel sorry for you because he could travel w him anytime he got ready and no, I will not tell you his professional fighting name! But, those of you totally into MMA Will figure it out by the stat and record I just posted.

Ladies beware of this creature. He is full of charisma, a caring nature, a loving attitude, and a wonderful disposition until the monster of alcoholism hits him! Then there is this mouth that comes out of nowhere that is understandable by no one. The threats are believable by anyone that has been verbally attacked before. But he is so broke he could never make it to you to hurt you. His father is a millionaire but has nothing to do with him. His mother is the sweetest thing since Southern Pecan Pie!

I bid you all farewell today and God-bless you always and forever. If you are friends w him (as he tends to activate and deactivate frequently) delete him now and don’t look back. I’ve had to delete 7 different numbers and block them from my iPhone. Block him from my email account and send his messages into cyber world, block him from Skype, delete apps so he couldn’t get to me, and now after this message goes up I’m going to have to find away to ask WordPress to delete his IP address from reading my blogs.
It’s scary but I know I am protected by my Father above and my Pink little friend named Ann that sleeps under my pillow. BEWARE!!

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Romans 12:19 (NKJV)

19 Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay,” says the Lord.

Romans 12:19 Deuteronomy 32:35
This verse and command of OUR LORD is so important it’s in His LIVING WORD twice. Just as:

Touch not my anointed and do my prophets no harm!!
1 Chronicals 16:22 and Psalms 105:15

My book

I’m greatly overwhelmed. My publisher is ready for my book NOW!! I am almost finished. There are about 3 more chapters and some tweaking I’m sure since when it is finished I will be allowed to go back and read it start to finish. No, I have not even been allowed to read any of it! I am a very, very obedient child of God and when He tells me to do something I listen. Is it hard sometimes– greatly!!

My publisher has emailed, called and is bugging me to death about how much is left. It is something she doesn’t understand that I cannot let this book leave my hands until my father in Heaven allows such. It isn’t time apparently in His eyes. Do I want to jump on board and hit the floor running ABSOLUTELY but I am not allowed.

There have been people that have defensed God and movies were made, there have been people that went to Heaven and movies were made, there has been no one to walk w Christ on a literal basis and their story be told or a movie be made. Am I excited about traveling the world and speaking about God’s glory and grace… Nobody will ever understand the eagerness of this expedition that lies ahead of me. God has given me glimpses of my future but not only has he given them to me; he has given them to numerous other people. Joyce Meyer is one of the female pastors I look up to most her and Darlene McCartney. I have been told by prophets I would be bigger than any woman that walks a stage and speaks His word. Do you know how scary that is? Do you understand how intense the feeling is to be larger than large? Those were never my intentions when I started writing my book. My only intention was to share the story God and I share and to go on about my life, finish law school and help the needy. To prophesies to people that needed it most to save their own lives through Christ. To save one life at a time. That was why I became a nurse.

One of my nursing instructors quickly told me I would never be able to save the world but I could save one person at a time and I’ve been doing it every since. Planting the seed of Christ and saving one person allows that one person to save another and the one they save to save another. And it goes on and on. The paying it forward goes on continuously for my lifetime with the first seed I planted.

My book will plant numerous seeds. That is all I wanted, but it appears PR reps always want more bc it is their job. I only want to speak the gospel of my Lord and Savior but they are making sure that dream comes true. They have arranged myself: little ole me from Colt, Arkansas to be on the Today show in NY. An apartment has been secured whenever I am ready to take the world head on. I am holding tightly to Isaiah 41:10 right now for security.

The only bodyguard I trust is my brother. I raised him and he helped raise me. We’ve been thick as thieves since he was 8 and I was 16. I don’t know if he is ready to take this job. I don’t know if he is ready to travel the world w me. I know I have requested my first two book signings and speaking engagements to be in my little small town of Forrest City, Arkansas and Wynne, AR bc they are basically joined at the hip. The other is Corpus Christi, Tx bc I loved it there and there is where I truly found God. There is one id like to add and that is Statesboro,GA., maybe Savannah instead. These are the stipulations in my contract only because God told me to put them there.

I am so unsure of what to do, but I do know that book will not leave my hands until my Saving Grace, My Lord and Savior tells me “Its Time, Melissa, go forth and do my work as you have been called!”

Be Still……

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Back dated post. Around November 2013

BE STILL

Today has been a rather hard day, actually, a rather hard week. Just pulling myself out of the bed to brush my teeth is a chore I’d rather not embark upon. Laying there all day watching tv and crying is about all I want to do. I can’t remember the last time I ate or drank, but that’s part of having a bad week. Anything can set you back or make you feel morbid and among, what you would love to be apart of; the unliving. No phone, no ipad, no social media, no friends, etc. Sleep, one thing that makes it all go away. In a perfect dreamworld where you can write, run and dance, exercise, meet deadlines, be punctual, play with your granddaughters until the sun goes down or until the mosquitoes are about to carry you off to Bangkok. (Yes, they are that bad in Arkansas, they should be our State Bird). Your life is complete as it was before the accident. It is as it should be, without a handful of pills to make sure you can move or walk. Crying spells take hold and there is nothing you can do but sit there and cry. Tears for no reason, life today is the same as it was six months ago. There are highs and there are lows. There are peaks and of course the forbidden valleys. No one ever wants to be in a valley but when you have chronic pain and massive amounts of it, along with severe TBI, and a verbally abusive environment and then a setback that valley rears it’s ugly head. The depression sets in and there is nothing you can do about it but ride the waves, cry, pray, and wait it out. Mine usually last about a week, which in all reality isn’t so bad.

I can remember the worst portion of depression I had ever went through. I literally laid in my bed for 10 days. I showered one of those. I know that is gross, but when you’re depressed and really depressed you do not care about anything, much less yourself. The only thing I ate was pecans, a handful at a time and not very often: food has no appeal. And I drank water if I could make myself get up to go get it. I had quit smoking so I didn’t even get up to smoke. I had somehow managed to keep everyone away from me, pretending to be asleep or having a stomach virus. I never wanted anyone to see me this way. How I got here? I don’t know. That’s just part of having all the pain and a head injury to top it off. You just want to be In your corner of the world where all is well within your brain. Where you can dance the night away if you want to. Or fall in love all over again. But, then you’re snapped back to reality and realize these things are not possible because of the way your body works and the way the neurons in your brain now fire. I’m not saying I’m incapable of love but I think I’m incapable of new love, that is not of my family. I care about numerous people but love may be a flaw of incapacity to shield myself of more pain.

Smart? Maybe not, but I cannot allow any more pain, physical, emotional, or psychological. It has taken me a long time to realize what sinks me in these various stages of depression. One night my daughter and I literally cut my hair at about eight o’clock at night because I had been in one of my crying stages all day, this time, because I didn’t have any friends; not any true friends that will come at any time without warning at the drop of a hat and show up when you need them friends. I’m one of those friends so I know nothing but that type of person. People should never say; “if you ever need anything give me a call,” because most of them don’t mean it. I’ve left my house at 3am for a friend I don’t say things I don’t mean! I don’t feel things I don’t really feel and I really hurt when I hurt. Therefore, when I get depressed I am horribly, ready to blow my brains out depressed. Medicines usually don’t touch it, it’s something I have to work through myself, the hard way. Being in my corner of the world, going over my goals (I’m very goal oriented), loving my children, loving my grandchildren, music, being alone with God, prayer, prayer and more prayer; and finally I set the goal to relinquish its hold on me. I tell myself, “Thursday, you’re getting out of this bed and doing one thing.” And, I do it no matter what. Friday I do something else and so forth. If I feel myself slipping I change it up. I will hang out at my daughters and watch a movie, go to dinner with a friend, shop, play a game, or go to extremes and cut my hair. Sometimes meds do not work for everyone. I’m one of those. Even when I’m out and about I may be fighting back tears but the first step is always getting out of bed!! Getting out of the house, even if it is to the patio to play with Honey, my service dog. I’ve had her for 12 years and have now had to make her a service dog because of seizures.

My grandmother recently had a stroke. This was my setback. It broke me to my inner core. Watching her be still and be in the very shoes I walked in 17 months ago broke me to nothingness. My coping skills are not what they used to be and this woman raised me, and now she will never be the same again because of her own version of an acquired TBI. Watching her helpless must have been just as hard on her seeing me dead and in a come as it is on me; even though she never reached that stage Praise The Lord. She is thriving and doing much better, much faster than I. But, knowing she will suffer these same things totally destroys me inside. She’s so strong. She holds my hand and says, ” God spared us Melissa, He spared us. No matter what we go through as long as we keep our faith we will be just fine.” Even in my depressive state I prayed everyday, my faith wasn’t shaken, but I was, I am flesh. I praise God for her and even my depression because sometimes we learn the biggest lessons when we are so very still. Being still allows us to slow down In this fast paced world enabling us to hear what God is telling us, it is a most precious thing to be able to hear Him and know what the next step is because of the true ability to “Be Still.”

I am no longer the same person I was before my accident and I miss her tremendously. She is so gone and I grieve her daily. The doctors have told me she will never return. I remember bits and pieces of her. Grieving ones self is one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I’ve come along way In these 17 months but it still affects me daily. It’s something I truly wish I could change. It’s something I would erase on some days and on others I’m thankful for the closeness I have with my Lord and Savior, it’s a catch 22. I would change the brain injury every single day, if I could change only one thing about it. I miss me, I miss who I used to be. I know she’s gotta be in there somewhere, but where? Your guesses are as good as mine. In the end of wishing I knew where she was and if she will ever return I’ve found acceptance. I’m actually glad it happened but for only for a few reasons. I have a new found love for life. I know how precious it is and how quick it can end. And, I’m so very thankful for the true intimate relationship I have with God, my creator. Without Him I would not be here. Without Him I would not know anything. I kept all of my intelligence and I praise Him for this. I praise Him for making me a softer woman, a better person and a much more loving person. I love the intimate relationship He and I share and the feeling of being in love with Him I wake up with every day of my life.

I have grieved my former self for almost two years. I don’t know how much longer it will last or how longer the bouts of anger will be around. The crying spells are also pretty indigenous to this battle. This is not a disease. This is just my life. I do believe the grieving is almost over, for me, I just wish it were for everyone else. I’ve come to accept who I am now and I genuinely love her. Now if only everyone else would get on board.

Excerpt of “Be Still”

Psalm 46:10: Be Still and Know I Am God!

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The sifting of the wheat!

👼Problems the anointed go through and the sifting of the wheat. 👼

When Christ stood full in the Jordan, water streaming from His face and hair, the Holy Spirit came down as a dove, and the Father voiced His approval (Matt. 3:16-17). Surely, some must have thought, we have witnessed the ordination of a king. And they had, though not the king they’d expected. For what other king would hear the voice of God proclaiming His divinity, only to find Himself next in a barren desert, beset by the devil? This moment in the Bible reveals a hard truth that should daily bring us to our knees—the very direct connection between anointment and trial.
Consider the chain of events that day by the river. First, witnesses heard the Father say: “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased” (v. 17). Has there ever been a greater anointing in the history of the world? Only one man has ever been so honored, but what are we to make of the event that follows? “Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil” (Matt. 4:1). Anointing comes with a burden.
In this, as in so many things, Christ was walking a path that we might learn to follow. He walked it uprightly, but we often stumble. Consider Peter’s ordeals. He distinguished himself from other disciples early, by declaring a great truth: “You are the Christ,” he proclaimed to his Savior, “the Son of the living God” (16:16). In response, the Lord acknowledged Peter’s revelation had come from the Father, and He then declared that His church would be built on this rock-solid truth (vv. 17-18). He also revealed that the establishment of that church would involve His great suffering in Jerusalem (v. 21).

Peter, perhaps emboldened with praise, felt he had license to take Christ aside, to rebuke Him for such negative talk. “Get behind Me, Satan!” was Christ’s harsh rebuke to the disciple’s presumptuousness (v. 23). How crushing those words must have been, especially coming so soon after His proclamation about the depth of Peter’s faith. Being raised up gives us a far greater distance to fall, doesn’t it?
I need to remind myself that Christ knew Peter’s immaturity, knew that he needed to be taken down several notches, to be plunged into the refiner’s fire so that his spirit might come to reflect the love and humility of the living God. Even in proclaiming Peter’s faith, Christ knew its weakness and paved the way for its strengthening, as He does for all who persevere.
That strengthening is essential, because an anointing not only gives one a greater height from which to fall; it also sparks a light that the darkness hates. And so, many months later we find Peter reclining at the Lord’s table, having spent the day glorying in Christ’s triumphant entry into Jerusalem, still unaware of what awaits them all.
“Simon, Simon,” Christ says to him, using the name given by his parents, one that means “he has heard.” He says, “behold, Satan has demanded permission to sift you like wheat” 😭(Luke 22:31).
When I read this, I pause to consider the dread Peter must have felt upon looking into the grave face of the living God and hearing those words. We know we’re pursued by a multitude of darkened and murderous angels, all of them consumed with a desire to drag us down into destruction. What must it have felt like to be told that the prince of these demons has demanded you by name? And to realize, further, that God Himself knows you will fail? Not all of us fail a sifting. We know how to fight satan and win bc we won’t give in to his promises or earthly desires.
There was a time when I accounted Peter a weakling. As I’ve pondered these verses over the years, I’ve come to the opposite realization. Just rising from that dinner table and walking without collapse after hearing such a chilling prophecy likely took more courage than I’ve ever had to muster.

Christ raises us up to follow in His dreadful, glorious path, and we are exposed to the slings and arrows of a merciless enemy. We see this hateful pursuit in the flight of Moses from Egypt after he became a murderer, in David’s months of being hunted by Saul, in the persecution of the disciples. We see it today in the daily martyrdom of Christian ministers and missionaries in the darkened corners of the world. We see it in the alarming number of pastors who walk away from their calling.
Many of us have experienced it as well in our own lives, for while most of us are neither pastors nor missionaries, we are still called to train up our children, to minister to our families, to spread the good news in our communities. Who hasn’t had that feeling of being harassed by the enemy while trying to serve God? This doesn’t mean, of course, that every trial stems from anointment; I’ve faced my own share of trials as a consequence of my sins, for example. Not every hardship is borne of godliness, but it seems unmistakable that living out the Lord’s calling means enduring trials.
Anointment invites trials and suffering, but take heart. After He told Peter what difficulties awaited, Christ reminded him—and us—of His role as intercessor: “But I have prayed for you, that your faith may not fail; and you, when once you have turned again, strengthen your brothers” (Luke 22:32). We have the full armor of God—His truth, His righteousness, His Word, and our salvation, which He pours out not because we earn it but because He loves us more than we love our own children.
We have been called to trials, and often to suffering. But we have a great Protector. “No one,” Christ says of His sheep, “will snatch them out of My hand” (John 10:28). Remember that great promise when a trial befalls you. He holds you fast. He holds you close.

isn’t it beautiful to know Christ prays for us? The unworthy, the sinners, the normal people of earth. But, we are not normal at all. We are HIS, HIS FAMILY ~ brothers and sisters.

Do I believe my wreck we supposed to happen? Do I believe no matter what a sifting was coming to see if I was worthy? Do I believe satan called me out by name to see if he could snatch me out of God’s hand and make me belong to him? Was I doing things that are what we call backsliding? Do I believe I may have felt one inkling of what Christ felt on that cross to see if I was really His child? Do I know God’s word? Do I pray to Him daily? Have I been anointed? Have I been anointed by God, Himself? Did I go through a sifting of the wheat?

In answering all of the questions above I could do It with two scriptures in the Bible or I could do it with one word. It is rather hard for me to decide which way to answer, but I will tell you this: I never once lost my love nor my faith for The Lord Jesus Christ. I know I will never be plucked from His hand and if one of His sheep to His flock go missing He WILL go look for them. I was allowed death 5 times but God brought me back each time, when trained humans could not. Of course it makes me cry to know I went through a sifting. But, it also let’s me know my job for God is important and He will open that door when He’s ready! Am I scared? Of course! Luke 12:48 scares me to death but I’m also scared I will not do my Father justice. That Him anointing a nobody like me, from a small town in Arkansas, that has had a hard, hard life full of pain and obstacles to stop me, a failure that quit on Him when I was just getting started an known. I’ve broken His heart and let Him down probably so many times he’s lost count. I’m so afraid I will fail Him, but He must know things I don’t to have picked me.

1 Chronicles 16:22 & Psalm 105:15 it’s in the Bible twice it is so noteworthy and important and when I walked w Christ I learned this verse.
TOUCH NOT MY ANOINTED AND DO MY PROPHETS NO HARM!

To me I am just His servant and will be obedient to whatever He tells me to do. We are to be servants of The Lord and humble above all things and trust me you do not ever want to go through a sifting, it HURTS! But, always be obedient to The Lord for He is our savior, our intercessor and our caretaker. He will make sure everything turns out just fine in our lives if we only follow Him and are obedient to Him! This I promise you!

For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled,
and he who humbles himself will be exalted. (Luke 14:11)

My main goal in life is to live my life for the one who died for me. Do I fail him, yes. I am not perfect nor will I ever be but I try my best to live as an example to show people when you do live your life for Christ all things work for Good for those that love Him. Romans 8:28. I mess up, have to ask for forgiveness every single day and I will always have to. He is my best friend. He is truly my only friend on so many, many days. And I love Him with absolutely everything inside of me. I am exceptionally glad I passed the sifting and I am His child. I was so glad when He told me it was almost over and I would begin to heal more and more each day. I will be so glad when the man I am married to walks away and realizes this is not what God wants. He does not want me harms any longer. I am being abused verbally and once physically when we literally fought over my phone. If I didn’t have titanium in that arm it would have been broken. I want to cry as I write this but I am stronger than that and God has given me a plan. It will be over soon. He has shown me that, prophets of His have told me this, that do not even know me or the situation. I have seen glimpses or visions of my future and there is no more abuse in it. I will never be told again I should have left you for dead at the trauma center, or left you for someone else to deal with. My Lord and savior would have made sure that happened if I had to go into a group home and sue him when I got out for abandonment. I know The Lord has my back and will never leave me not forsake me.

Who is wise and understanding among you? By his good conduct let him show his works in the meekness of wisdom. But if you have bitter jealousy and selfish ambition in your hearts, do not boast and be false to the truth. This is not the wisdom that comes down from above, but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there will be disorder and every vile practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. And a harvest of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace. (James 3:13-18)

God Bless you all on this wonderful day of The Lord. I pray you all have a wonderful week. I’m still recovering from the seizure, not walking to good and hurting severely. There is power in numbers when it comes to prayers and I ask you all pray for me, especially for the next 4 days. I have to finish my thesis in order to graduate w my 2nd masters degree. I only started this one to heal my brain after my accident. STBI Is not a grand thing to have. Being Forgetful Lucy from ” 50 First Dates” is also not much fun either, but I am getting better Praise The Lord!! 🌻

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What is going on around here?

Well, I sure can piss em off quick! I’m the one that had a seizure yesterday on my patio that is all bricks and can barely move today. It happened at about 11:45 & noon. After I had finished cleaning myself and everything else up and sat back down at the patio furniture to work on my thesis it was about 2:30. By this time I could barely keep my eyes open so I packed everything up and went inside to take a nap. Little did I know that nap would last until every single family member I hsve came in and woke me up. My daughter brought me dinner when she shouldn’t have after my jackass of a husband told her he couldn’t stop by her house and get it on his way through and she lives a mile from us. She has been sick all week and passed out driving the other day w my grandchildren! I could have beat her for driving when she didn’t have to and killed him for being a dick and not stopping by her house and being rude to her. What’s the point in that anyway?

Tanner needs money to go out with Cassie, his girlfriend. Yes, I still pay for those dates because he is my baby and he’s my responsibility no matter how much money he makes at his job. He’s the last child at home and graduated at 16; I think I can pay for a tank of gas a week and their dinner. I don’t mind my children waking me up except when they turn the big light on In the bedroom which Tanner is notorious for. When I heard him walk in I immediately said don’t. He turned the flashlight on on his iPhone and I knew what he needed but I was still drunk. TBI seizures are hard on the brain. I suppose all seizures are. I haven’t been having mine long so I don’t really know how to adapt. They are talk seizures though and then I just go limp and come to anywhere from 3-7 minutes later. When I shielded my eyes and stumbled around for money Tanner asked, “mom, what’s wrong?” I told him I had had a seizure this morning and it was just lingering. He started flipping out and asking me a million questions. He hates when I’m here by myself and has them. I wish I had never told him. It breaks my heart into a million pieces to see my baby heart because there is nothing he can do to help me. I handed him a hundred dollars and he held me tight. We told each other we loved the other and of course I told him to be careful as always, and off he went as I tucked myself back into bed.

At some point when Jeff got home he found the dumbest reason to wake me. The AC is remote controlled. If you cannot figure out the remote one goes to the unit, correct? No, I was woke up to adjust it which I did half asleep then handed back and rolled over to go back to sleep. He started to run on me and I kinda flipped script at this point. I cannot yell but my body hurt. I fell, my body has been broken from the waist up-ALL of it!! Let’s think about this for a second. Need I say more?!

I had woke up at some point and used the bathroom and I did a load of laundry that was too large bc the washing machine is off balance. Tanner needed golf clothes washed bc he’s a golf coach to the youth this summer for the “rich kids” and is making some jack (Go Tanner!). He couldn’t get the dang machine to finish the load I started so he just took them out and put them in a basket, I would have done the same thing if I had to leave out at 5am today. Not being lazy but he needed clothes, didn’t know how to just drain the cycle and then tell mom to wash them in smaller loads later, but he started the first one and had to go. But of course he was called lazy!

I tossed and turned all night bc I fell from being 5’4 in air to the ground on bricks. I’m kinda sore, like as if a freaking Mac truck ran over me and couldn’t get comfy. I thought I had taken enough pain Meds that would just go ahead and knock me out but apparently not!

So, at 5:30 I go ahead and get out of the bed, off balance, and stumble to the bathroom all while my mf’ing husband lays there and watches me. I know he’s watching bc as soon as the toilet flushes and I finish washing my hands here walks in his |€|>?}>!~?|>|>€~%^{>~€~#£}€!!!!!
(No, I don’t really cuss so use your imagination)!

I get to the kitchen and make me some cappuccino and he starts in about Hailey having my Lincoln MKZ. I said, “Well, we do only kinda just own a car lot and repair shop and all maybe if y’all would fix hers where it is safe for my grandchildren to ride in she wouldn’t be in my car. I see Ashley has a perfectly fine vehicle down there that doesn’t run hot and has air! (This is the mother of his son’s wife. His one and only biological granddaughters mother)

Then I hear it about the blanket and the towels. “Did you start a load of laundry w a blanket and towels?”
“Umm, yes I did why?”
“Because they are soaking wet and in basket by the washing machine. Did you do that, too?
“No, but I’m sure I know it was done bc the machine is off balance and Tanner needed clothes for the tournament today. I had no one to call and fix it and I won’t mention any names to keep the peace; while someone around here was being a dick!”

“You think you could look at me for a second?”
“Sure if you get up so you’re in my 10 degree neck positioning mode bc that’s all I have to the left side today. Remember it was only just kinda broken and all.”

“Well, who calls you to see if you need anything? Something to eat, anything you could possibly want?”

“Want the truth to that question?”

“I wouldn’t have asked it if I didn’t want the truth!”

“Okay then sweet cheeks, yesterday it was Hailey bc she was the only one in town. I didn’t talk to you until she told you I had had a seizure. Sometimes it’s Tanner and other times it’s you. The only person that can ever get my order right though, really wanna know who that is?……(nods head yes) umm that’d be ME!”

End of conversation and he leaves for work without a goodbye knowing that when you look at someone it could be your very last! The only one that hugged me yesterday and was freaking out bc I was home alone and this is why he won’t go off to college which totally infuriates me is my son, Tanner. I do not want him missing out on the best yrs of his life bc of me. All of this pisses me off and does nothing but depress me for one but then put me in an outrage! Why do men have to be so crappy when it comes to women and her children. This man and I JUST got back together 2-3 wks ago! It’s getting to where I don’t even want to look at him and I wish I could send him away for the weekend so I could pack all my stuff and get out of here!

God, I want to be in YOUR path for me guide me Father. Let me know what to do and please let me heart stop being so heavy every day like I’m doing something wrong. I thought going back into a marriage and a vow I took before you would be the right thing to do, but I’m falling apart Father. The stress, the headaches, the lies, everything had mounted up and Lord I am tired. I’m tired of wondering where and what I should be doing. Show me Father. I have learned how to Be Still and listen and I will always obey no matter what it is you say. Lord, I love you and I only serve you, put me back on your path or change my heart where I am happy. Let me smile and laugh and have fun again. Please take away any Shame or guilt and forgive me Lord for the sins I know and the ones I do not. I am happy and contend to be your child but I don’t want to hurt anymore. Thank you for your love, my children, your so many blessings you have bestowed upon us and thank you for your grace and my life. In Jesus Sweet name I pray, Amen.

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Just a bunch of rambling on functioning, what actually happened to me, how my life …….

How do we go on? How do we survive? How do we pick up the pieces that are left? How do we try and live our lives as if nothing happened as others want us to so forcefully do? How do we try and go on when we don’t even know who we are? How do we go on with someone or people we don’t know, and they don’t know us?

Do I have all the answers, yes and no. Are you going to like them, probably not.

We go on because it’s life. We fought to make it so by golly we are gonna live it and we are gonna live how we see fit whether you like it or not. Our first year is us learning the basics. Learning to walk, talk, feed ourselves, shave our own legs, shave our own monkeys (female private parts, idk what you call yours but mine is a monkey). Learning to put up w bs calls every 5 minutes to make sure we are alive. And, finding out we can’t go anywhere without someone else except to the freaking mailbox for fear of us getting lost in out own vicinity. Literally my first trip alone out of my house was to the mailbox and back.

Then when you do get to drive, you dare not go down the road you wrecked on, if that is how you obtained your TBI (that is how I obtained mine). When I finally did venture down that road it was to go to our salvage yard to see Maggie, my car, and to go to the wreck sight. It was probably 6 mths later. I was scared. I was like a deer caught in the headlights the first time I saw Maggie. I cannot believe I just used that analogy considering deer are what caused my wreck.

When I first saw her all I could do was rub my hand across her shattered body. The paint flakes were shivered off in numerous places. The top was completely gone where they had cut me out. I could see where they took the Jaws of Life and tore her apart and cut her to role the top back to get to me. There were awful marks where she was cut on the door frame where they popped it open to finally attempt to get me out. I’m sure it was like time stood still for all of the responders and firefighters working frantically to get me out. It still took them 45 minutes to cut me out. Maggie is mangled and I mourned her for a while. She was my pride and joy, I loved her. She is warped, literally. One part is up and another is down. Mangled is a good way of explaining what she looks like. I still have her to this day and it breaks my heart to go and see her, to go to my wreck site and see the pile of car parts I have spent hours collecting and piling up. It was the epitome of disastrous wrecks that someone actually lived through. One paramedic said he ranks it in his top 5 of accidents he had ever worked; by how the car looked and how injured I was.

The coroner was called in or either the paramedic did it one, but I was pronounced dead on the scene. I was in my car w no pulse or breathing for over 25 minutes. I was dead, dead – they thought there was no way of me ever being brought back to life or coming back to life on my own. 1. Considering how long I had gone without a pulse or oxygen. 2. I was down in that car way too long when they got there and they didn’t know how long I was down when they got there. My Golden Hour had passed. They called it and put me in the ambulance when they got me out thinking id be a DOA. God had other plans. Right before they got me out of my car I started talking to the medic. He was, I think flabbergasted for a lack of better words. Whoever pronounced me now had much more paperwork to do and had to call my pastor back. Yes, they had already called my pastor and given him the news that one of his congregants had passed in a horrible car accident on 306 west at approximately 11:38pm on July 8, 2012. 45 minutes later after the prayer chain was started I was once again alive. I do not remember any of this except the deer all of this is what I got from the first responders, firefighters and medics, police officers and all other personnel working my scene that night. What was said is that everyone worked as a complete team. There was no one ranked that night they were all a team trying to save my life bc they all knew me. Even volunteers not working or people that weren’t scheduled came in to help save me. I appreciate each one. Mostly I appreciate God.

I lost everything that night. My life, my memory and everyone I ever thought was my friend. They were all there in the beginning but after the new wore off everyone goes back to their lives. I don’t blame them. Time doesn’t stop for me. It doesn’t stop for anyone. I never forgot my kids and apparently my husband but there was someone else I never forgot either. I thought he was dead but thank God I was in that car alone. I don’t think I could have lived w myself if I had killed anyone other than myself. I don’t remember getting married. I truly thought I was married to another man. I had regressed in my brain 18 years but I knew exactly who everyone was except I kept asking for my deceased husband. How can that be? The brain is mystical, magical and interprets things as it wants at times especially when it is hurt and damaged beyond repair. That is what my family was told. My brain was damaged in every lobe there is in our master center of our bodies.

They called for med Evac immediately when I grabbed a deputies hand bc I knew who he was bc after they pronounced me he just wasn’t taking that for an answer. He couldn’t believe his best childhood friends sister was dead. How could he go up to my brother and tell him, she’s gone man. She’s gone and that be all he said!? And he never had to. I grabbed his hand and started talking to the medic and they all, about 50 people went at it hard to get me out. I had the best of the best there that night and people that would not give up on me. One of the first responders kept opening my airway as he was using the Jaws of Life, after he dug pizza out of my throat and gave me a few quick breaths to make sure my airway was open. Still no pulse but no way of doing compressions but that doesn’t mean he didn’t try. He finagled his way into my car w me through what he had already cut open and tried so hard to give me chest compressions to bring me back. It was a no go! To my demise.

But as you’ve already seen God brought me back to life without any artificial CPR or help from any of them. It just took me letting them know I was still in there somewhere.

Med Evac showed up in 2mins and landed on that two lane highway in between all those cars because hwy 306 in Colt, Ar was blocked off for the first time in history bc I wreck 3 miles west of where it started and it was blocked up to Pinetree which is about 5-6 miles continuing west bc people, my friends, family, first responders that knew it was me started showing up before traffic got bad. They are mainly the reason it was closed. There were prayer chains already in progress across the globe bc I used to be military for one, Facebook started one, my brother called his military and police friends, and my church started one w ever church in a tri-county area, I have family that lives all across the US and they started prayer chains, pastors I knew from a child and from working as a travel nurse and my friends from working as a travel nurse started them and candles were lit, prayer was an immediate action and was happening at my scene. I cannot thank God enough for riding shot gun with me that night.

When you look close on the roof of the car on the inside you can see two set of hand prints, with huge finger imprints, over where my head was when I wrecked. I believe with all my heart that is where Jesus Christ held me when we were slammed, tousled and thrown.

Idk if I’ve told you how my wreck occurred but I suppose now is time. I was on the phone w my daughter, Ashley, I had just left my other daughters house, Hailey, and my son, Tanner was behind me so was one of my best friends sons Drew. We were traveling west and there is a Huge corn field. There are also huge ditches that are about 3ft deep on the left side. I was on the phone eating pizza venting, going down there to have a beer w her and then there were deer every where. My last words were, ” Oh God, Ashley, Deerrrrrrrrr!” And it was done. My phone went dead my son saw break lights as did Drew, they were a little ways behind me, and that’s all I remember.

My son watched it all happen. He said I must have flipped out because there were 25-30. It was a pack, not one or two. I instinctively jerked the wheel, I had to of, and jumped the ditch. I uprooted a tree a pretty good size one at that and it threw me 25 ft in the air into another tree, we know this bc car parts were up there and that tree dumped me straight on the ground partially rolling my car but I was dumped on another tree which sling shot me into a field. If they had not been behind me I would have been in that field for only God knows how long until someone saw my car.

My iPhone was found in the ditch and it had been ran over, Praise The Lord for lifeproof cases. I continued to use that phone and that case for two more years. Just and FYI.

I died in route again. And died in surgery. I believe my total number of death count was 5 according to medical records. Reading that makes me proud in some ways because I know I fought hard to stay here. Why? One little girl and my two children. They are the only reason I cared to live. And still are today. Without them I am nothing. They are why I go on. You may have a different reason with your TBI but they are my sole reason and If I didn’t have them I wouldn’t have cared if I lived or not to be honest. This is just my temporary home. Sure, people would have been sad for a few days and the lives I did impact would have remembered me forever but the sun would have come up just like it did the day before and life goes on. It always does.

When I did wake up from the coma I didn’t know my last name or my address. You could have told me I was Drew Barrymore and I would have believed you. I was that bad. But is was smart. When the docs came it to ask me where I was, what day it was etc. I would look at the board and read them their answers. They are so dumb at times. They never caught on but my daughter, Ashley, did when someone was blocking the board one day. 🙂 I also never lived in a nasty hospital. A basement of my friends house was made into a trauma ward for me. It had all the machines I needed to check my brain bleeds, CT Scan. It had the MRI machine and a portable X-ray machine. I was not in a hospital bc I was a nurse and nurses do not go to the hospital or even to the ER unless we are dying. We self treat and go on and keep living. And I, of course, was telling the nurses how to do their job correctly especially if they were new grads w RN’itis. This is when a new grad think they know it all but they do not. They do not have the experience under their belt nor the proper fundamental training or knowledge to have seen enough out there yet to tell me they know more than I do! I’ve been a nurse RN, BSN, for 20 years, that traveled and seen and has done a lot! Do not come in my room and tell me my IV isn’t infiltrated when I know it is just bc I have TBI. I will hurt your feelings and I did forcefully to a few new teeny bopper new grads. I was told anyway. And do not send an aide in to clean up a female that does not know to wipe from front to back bc I will make him cry. Everyone here knows how freshly TBI pts are and how mean we are. We cannot help it and I slammed a few intern docs as well but I was right. I did not forget my education I lost memories and my body lost it’s ability to function.

This is why my family thought id wake up one morning and be my old self again. My husband never looked up TBI until 2 yrs later when I filed for divorce. He never understood I would never be the same Melissa that died that night in 2012. I’ve learned to love the new me. Why is it so hard for him? I can’t answer that question but the old me is in there bc she can be a vendictive, ruthless bitch. And if you push far enough and provoke me she will come out. Her name is Ann. Yes, she is so mean she has her own name. He has even made the statement, “that bitch died and we left her at the MED!” But she’s not dead. She’s still in there she’s just in hibernation until she is needed. 😉

How do we go on w people that don’t know us anymore or we don’t know any longer? We don’t. They walk away from us. They malinger for a little while but then they vanish. They were never friends in the beginning if you want my opinion. Bc they should have stuck it all out w you. Called a few times a week. Text a little here and there. Something, ANYTHING! But, when push comes to shove they all go away. I’m two years out from my accident and so different that I have NO friends. Not one that I can trust. I tell absolutely no one except my baby girl Hailey everything. She is the only one I truly trust and the only one that will listen with no regards to what I have to say and no judging. She has held me through a 6 hour anxiety attack where I never moved except for the shaking that comes w it and the crying. She’s held me like I’m the child and she is the parent. And for a long time she was. I had no idea what the hell to do or how to do it. I couldn’t even feed myself. And when I did become self sufficient I wouldn’t eat bc who cooks for just them self plus food has no appeal to me at all. I could care less if I ever ate again. But, she cares and she brings me dinner even when I don’t want it. And they trick me into eating it. Kaylee won’t eat unless Grammi does. Who wouldn’t eat to make sure their granddaughter did?

Going on is never easy but to know we fought so hard to stay in this life for the people we love is why we live. We do not live for us we live for you but on our terms. We do have a mind of our own and will do what we want and say what we feel. Not having a filter is extremely hard bc we have to learn what we can say and when we can say it and who we can say it to. I don’t have that problem anymore so much. My only true problem is living w a man I’m not sure I love for the sake of others that always wants to control everything I do bc he says he’s trying to protect me. I do not need protecting! I need to fly! I need to be the butterfly God has so gracefully turned and molded me into and spread my wings and fly. I am a high functioning STBI survivor. If I can sit her and write all of this I think I can make all of my own decisions and with God walking beside me I am safe. Yes, I will make mistakes but I would if I didn’t have TBI. Everyone does. I am not dead, I am not an invalid, I can run with the wind (even though it hurts like haddies), I can breathe on my own without any help, I can talk without help, and I can learn, I can voice an opinion and I have a good heart and I put God first and as long as I’m on HIS path for me I’m not living wrong!

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To turn back time….

We all want to take it back, or turn back the hands of time. I know I do. I’m a STBI survivor and when I go to sleep at night my slate is wiped clean, when I’m under a lot of stress. I still wake up in my own bed wondering where I am, and we just got back from a week long vacation that terrified me. I had no idea where I was from one day to the next or if I had fun; I don’t remember. I just know I’ve been back 3 days, I think, and all I’ve done is sleep. My nickname is Lucy bc of the movie “50 First Dates.” If you’ve seen the movie you know why they call me that. It doesn’t hurt my feelings, in fact I use that analogy to help explain my brain injury to people when I speak publicly on TBI.

There are times that I don’t know if I love or hate my husband or if he’s helping or hindering. I used to be so social, that beautiful social butterfly now I’m told to be quiet and come on. I don’t know if it’s where I won’t embarrass him or me, but either way it causes a mass amount of problems. I know God has a plan for me and He has one for you. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. This life is harder than the one before, but my other self had problems, too. In every person’s life there are problems. We can dwell on them or pick up the pieces and march on to victory! I proclaim victory in my life no matter how bad the situation or circumstance may be.

It’s a hard life but it’s mine and it was given to me. I had an out of body and walked with Jesus for several days while I was in coma with no brain waves, I was, what we in the medical field call clinically dead, what everyone else calls legally dead. I saw my family and can tell them exactly what they were doing. I told my very best friend everything on her next visit after I was extubated so nobody would think I hallucinated it or dreamt it, or made it up. She is my witness bc it took me hours to tell her and I still didn’t get to tell her everything. But, I wanted someone there other than my family to take notes proving what I saw and that I told someone immediately because I did hallucinate a lot starting 4 days after I came out of the coma. What I was getting at, the point, is I was given a choice on whether to come back or not. I didn’t have to. I had no brain waves for 4 days. On the 5th day meaning grace they returned bc I was hooked up to EEG machines in my room. There was also a pic that went up on fb of me holding my daughter’s hand and her putting as the caption “hold on tight momma, fight.” On the 7th day meaning completion I woke up.

My daughter started screaming for doctors. About 25-30 of them came in that tiny trauma ICU room, they were dumbfounded. I started doing sign language that I had learned 19 yrs ago for a pediatric patient I had and was fluent, although I am not today. (Funny how the brain works) I was telling them to extubate me or I would do it myself and I was using my arm that had been paralyzed and became paralyzed again shortly after.

They did take the tube out of my throat once I proved to them I could breathe on my own; vents pick up your natural breathing. My first words after coughing to help them pull the tube were, “your analysis was completely wrong! How do y’all like my God now? I’m sure I’m in a room of non-believers but He just showed you all a miracle. How many patients have you had come back from no brain waves and speak immediately after being extubated? And, how many daughters kick the donor teams out of their mother’s room when she has been classified as legally and clinically dead? If you do not know Christ and would like to there are three men that can lead you to Him outside in the waiting room. Their names are Jeff, Trent and David, and if you didn’t believe in miracles I truly hope you do as of now because God just performed one in front of all of you.” A lot of them stood there looking at me in amazement, several others went to see if those three men were in fact in the waiting room and 6 of them were already saved and just wanted to touch me out of sheer amazement. I don’t knowwhat happened to many of them but I do know that 11 of them accepted The

Lord that day in the wee morning hours as I held my daughters hand and cried with her. At that moment I knew I made the right choice in choosing to come back to be with my family, but I’ll admit it was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life.
Excerpt from “Be Still”

The Lord gives us much comfort in one of His verses. I put it up in a picture bc it’s so much more beautiful than the typing on WordPress.

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Vacation? Was it or NOT?

It sure wasn’t what I had in mind. It was hustle and bustle of let’s get this done and let’s do that. I was rushed every single day to hurry and get dressed. To hurry to do nothing but wait…….

My brain had a total meltdown. I am once again “forgetful Lucy” and when I say that I am not kidding. This is 3 days in a row I cannot tell you what happened the day before. This vacation was supposedly taken to just relax me. Instead it has been controlled with, “I’d like to be outta here by 11:00, I’d like to eat here, I don’t like bookstores can’t you get all you need on your iPad anyway? And more, blah, blah, blah, blahs. I am not speaking negatively as one may suggest but it is rather hard being with one single person you just got back with after a five month split that you’re still trying to get to know and he has absolutely no idea about you, except how you like your coffee.

By the time I come in from my morning coffee and cigarette everything is packed and half of it is in the car. I suppose it could have been relaxing, I just don’t remember it! I feel so hindered around him, I cannot be who I am. I cannot joke or be my silly self or laugh at something stupid that happened three months ago that Kaylee, my granddaughter, did bc he wasn’t there. How do you explain everything about your life when he was telling you he hated you? I have one child glad we are back together and one that hates it. I’m stuck in the middle of a rock and a hard spot for sure.

My son called me and told me I didn’t leave enough money behind for him. I did I just didn’t leave it in the house. He has plenty if access to money if he needs it. He blew through $100 in 3 days. And, then needed more! Of course, I supplied more but not before he called me a butthead for trying to work things out w my husband. Actually we are both buttheads when it comes to us being around each other. I haven’t changed one way or the other except I’m miserable. My heart hurts. It’s so heavy and full of pain. I have no idea what to do. He was fine w this man before we started working on our marriage. But, since we are trying he acts like he hates me. This has put me on the brink of disaster and I HATE to go home today to face the music. 10 hours on the road also isn’t my favorite thing to do.

Lord, please guide my path today and always. Sustain me and keep me through these times that are not always blissful. Keep my husband out of my butt and let him know I need space. Time to myself, that I am a brain injury survivor and I’d rather be alone at times to just cry. Sometimes that cry is most therapeutic. Let my children love me unconditionally as I do them. If I need to get my son help please, Father God, tell me by who in prayer I’ve learned to be still so I can fervently hear you. Allow my daughter to gain self-esteem back and let her see her worth and value through your eyes and mine, Dear Lord. If you want my husband and I to stay together please, my Lord and Savior give me a sign, one I’ll remember and one that I can assuredly look to the Heavens and say, “God I KNOW that was you!” Just one sign. In Jesus’ precious name I pray, amen!

As for now the verbal abuse, it stopped for now towards me but, that only means someone else is catching it, and I know Father, as do you, he’s on his best behavior. This will ultimately come to a screeching halt within 2 mths and I will be back to square one. (You’ve always provided and I trust in you, as always). I’ve lost every thing I’ve ever owned, a child, my husband, my dog, and my daddy all in a years time, along with every possession I owned because of a house fire.

Not too much later I lost myself.
I am regaining my strength, but my self worth has been damaged by others. I need you Father to pick me up and build me. You are the potter and I am the clay…….

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